My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
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Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine