High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
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lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.