So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
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The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Tier 3 meme
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.