do what now??
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if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.