Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
You Might Also Like
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Ha
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.