Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
You Might Also Like
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)