Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
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If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man