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What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
All. The. Damn. Time.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*