“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
You Might Also Like
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Just as the prophecy foretold
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
No regrets in 2018
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.