doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
You Might Also Like
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
This why you should mind your business
But wait…
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.