“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
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Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.