age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
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ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you