I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
You Might Also Like
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.