I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
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My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Cause of death: Zumba
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.