The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
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Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Welcome
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here