Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
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Life cycle of cat
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”