Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
You Might Also Like
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
🤭😂
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…