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me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
you know what ruined my childhood? children
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Breaking news:
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much