Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
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FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Become a minion. Get that bread.
I beg your pardon?
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
this makes me so uncomfortable
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners