I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
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Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Just why bro?!
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.