When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
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My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.