I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
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[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog