Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
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People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
greetings!
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?