i could never be president. im overqualified.
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HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Ion see the issue
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]