Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
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Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Wednesday
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines