me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
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*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.