Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
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“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
This guy gets it.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out