I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
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After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.