“Oh hi, you’re home early”
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50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
BRAKING NEWS!!
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house