Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
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me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
one of
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.