Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
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As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”