My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
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me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
There’s never enough good news
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation