Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
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[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.