My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
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*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
FRED: right
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Krampus.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.