My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
You Might Also Like
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
That’s classic.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.