when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
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[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.