A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
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Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today