*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
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[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.