*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
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[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.