ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
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they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”