Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
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Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.