I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
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Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Mission: Impossible