nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
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Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf