What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
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My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
When you don’t understand how floors work
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
An odd boast
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.