If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
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I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
My flabber has been gasted.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
this is so top tier i cant
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Woke up against my better judgment again
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.