Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
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INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.