I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
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*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you