A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
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6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Banana is the quietest snack
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
😂😂😂
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.