Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
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Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
one last job
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.