I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
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I put the h in mysterious.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Not today. 😅
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
This is the one
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”